WSM 1

WSM stands for Wellness Self Management, the name of a workbook I am doing alongside my art therapy. Now, because of today's "lesson", I am sharing my progress through this work book with all of you. You get to hold me accountable, and my support team/group gets to hear any of the hard stuff that really isn't suitable for this blog.

So... Lesson 1. (3 weeks ago)

We covered the purpose of the workbook: to help me recover from the depression, anxiety, PTSD, and assorted other BS that is going on in my head. No, there's nothing wrong with being bipolar, but there is something wrong when I'm too messed up mentally (and physically) to hold any kind of stable employment. This workbook is supposed to help me learn how to cope with day to day stresses, as well as how to lean on support when it is needed. In total, there are 8 goals to the program.

1. learning about recovery 
2. making the best use of mental and physical health services
3. learning how those services can help me achieve my goals
4. staying well by decreasing symptoms
5. learning how to manage stresses and prevent relapses (that long deep spiral, as I call it)
6. learn how to connect with others (ewwww, I wanna be a loner!)
7. learn how to live healthier (win the lotto?)
8. recognizing and building on my cultural values and experiences 

I was told to choose which of those were most important to me. (Well how the fuck am I supposed to know? This is the first frikkin lesson!) I chose #'s 4,5, and 8. I was then promptly told that keeping my med clinic appointment would help with #4, #5 is helped with blogging (go figure), and taking nature walks MORE OFTEN helps with #8. (Kinda hard to go for walks when there are so few people HERE that I trust...)

At the end of every lesson there is a discussion point. Lesson 1's discussion;

How would accomplishing any of these goals make a difference in your life?

A difference? How the hell am I to know at this point? *shrugs* I guess maybe it'll make me better able to fake being normal. After all, that is the goal of all therapy, right? To learn how to blend in and fit the mold of what is and isn't acceptable? *shrugs* We'll see.

I do have high hopes for this. I hate being the way I am...

So, talk to me. If you are following along with this program too (and I encourage it if you aren't able to do therapy, but I encourage a professional to help you above all), which goals would you choose? Why? If not, then what goals do you think I should be paying more attention to? Why? Talk to me below...

My Journal

 My case manager is the one giving me writing assignments. I want to make that clear. This is part of my art rehabilitation, a way for me to use my creativity to help me recover and heal from all the BS I have going on in my head.

I also need to make it clear that I hated, HATED the idea of creating a journal at first. It seemed elementary and immature to do something like this. I didn't see, at first, how important it would be to personalize a notebook simply to hold writing assignments given to me. I was so very wrong.

My journal has simple roots. It was a simple blue spiral notebook I picked up from Dollar General. I was actually a little pissed I couldn't find a purple or black one. I clipped little tidbits from a couple magazines and used a glue stick to get them to stick. The card you see, I had been holding onto it for ages. The card symbolizes me, I am the Queen of Hearts. No, don't go all Alice in Wonderland on this. My Queen of Hearts is softer in many ways, showering everyone around her with love, and defending all those that I give that love to. Fiercely protective, but gentle and caring.

Coffee made an appearance in the early design stage, with a line of text that says "Share a cup of coffee with a friend." It is a reminder to share something I enjoy with someone, to be more social. There are inspiring words there too:

• "Stay Strong"
• "You're the Best"
• "Today, a Smile is All the Makeup I Need."
• "Discover"

A Thunderbird flies through this to remind me of my roots, of Edwards Air Force Base in California, and all the joys I experienced there.

Later on I added other bits. Quotes from famous people that inspire me, bits of song lyrics to remind me. Things that touch my heart and speak to my soul:

• "...it turns out she was the badass princess rescuing me." -Torie James
• "Life's like an hourglass glued to the table." -Ana Nalick
• "The important thing is to never stop questioning." -Albert Einstein
•  "Procrastination is the thief of time." -Edward Young
• "I never think of the future, it comes soon enough." -Albert Einstein
• "Fate loves the fearless." -James Russell Lowell
• "Every rose has its thorn." -Poison
• "Just breathe" -Ana Nalick
• "I walk a lonely road..." -Greenday

Then I added in little expressions of myself. A flower, a peace sign, later a cat and skull and crossbones. I added bits of my religion, of Paganism, to protect the thoughts held inside the book and to promote creativity and healing. This journal was becoming mine, becoming personal. I was growing pride in it, and all the bits of me already poured into it even before I started writing.



But I had black spots I need filled. So I asked on my personal Facebook for friends to help me by giving me words they would use to describe me. I bawled my eyes out at the resulting onslaught of responses.

• compassionate
• awesome
• amazing
• beautiful
• honest
• caring
• hillarius
• stunning
• genuine
• inspiring
• phenomenal
• friend
• true
• creative
• kind

I was unable to fit all the words that were given onto the thing. It overflowed with all the kind words of my friends. I realized, when I was doe, that it was mine. This silly little project transformed a notebook into an extension of myself.

I took care and glued the entire cover. It didn't seal it enough for me, so I added two more layers of glue. The result dimmed the glitter I added in a little, but it protects it and seals it. Everything added into this thing is me, and I can't stop looking at it or touching it. Mine. My journal to write in and delve into the deepest depths of my soul.

But I'm not stopping with just the front outside cover. I'm also slowly going to add to the rest of the notebook. This is a work in progress. I'll add things I run across as I go.

The outside cover is the me that everyone sees. But the inside covers will be the me I hide, the person behind the mask. Just as my writing will be from the person behind the mask.

I encourage everyone to make their own journal. The experience was something everyone should have. You don't have to write on the same topics I will be. Google will give you thousands of journal topics you can use. But having this journal near, having a piece of me like this, is just an amazing feeling.

~Kat