Q&A Saturday 5-9-15

Its Q&A Saturday! I love this day because I get to answer questions from you, my readers. The idea is simple, ask me questions either in the comments, on my Facebook page, or on my personal Facebook page and I’ll answer them here each Saturday. Until I build a good long list up, I’ll be answering one question a week. So, without further ado, here is the historic first question:

Wendi asks, “Do the doctors’ diagnoses and assumptions conflict with what you know to be going on with you?”

A pretty deep question, when the importance of a proper diagnosis is on the line. But I have to say that no, we are all in agreement on what my problems are, except for one item.

I have a family history of Autism Spectrum in my family, it seems. My sister is HFA, her daughter just recently became verbal on the spectrum. My own daughter has HFA and I honestly would not be surprised if I were to have my son diagnosed with Asperger’s. So with all the evidence, you’d think the doctor would jump to see if I had it too.

Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory has been assumed by some fans to have Asperger’s. (The character, not the actor, and I honestly don’t know how true it is.) I state this simply because I’ve had many friends compare me to him. So do I have HFA or Asperger’s? I don’t know because my therapist doesn’t want to diagnose it. She says it would make little difference right now simply because my biggest problem is my bipolar and PTSD. Honestly, I’m not even sure I want to be diagnosed today. Maybe a year from now, simply to help statistics, but not today.

As for the bipolar, PTSD, and social anxiety diagnoses, we’re in agreement. I seem to be a “professional victim” as one doctor had stated many years ago. I simply don’t know how to defend myself. My children, family, and friends, yes. Myself, no. The asthma, degenerative disc disease, and narcolepsy are spot on. So even that doctor has all my bases covered. With the new family history added, she’s now checking my blood sugar to see if my hypoglycemia has gotten better or worse. Time will tell there.

As you can see, I’m an open book here. Have a question to ask? Comment below and maybe I’ll answer your question next week! Until then, Love and Light to you all.

~Kat

Sunday Recap 5-3-2015

So, I am going to TRY to do a recap each Sunday to let everyone know what I have been up to. Since this blog is focused mainly on mental health and my path through therapy, I will do my best to stick to those themes.

I've been working on an idea I was given by my therapist, a Coping Book. Whatever my mood or 'personality', there will be pages to go to to find things to help me cope. I'm in a better mood today, so have been steadily working on the mania side of my bipolar. That hyperactive me that still has no name; I see her so rarely!

Bear with me, I have a ton of pictures to show, so I'm trying to fit them all into the blog. Its harder than it looks!

I'll describe the pictures from left to right, top to bottom, and pray that I have enough room in the blog to describe them all. Keep in mind that this has all been done earlier today as well. You'll see how busy I have been today!

The first pic is the binder itself, or rather the insert that sits in front of the binder. There are a ton of sayings written there that I found via Google. Not everything has the author's name attached, which is fine for me. I'm doing this for me, not for money.


The second picture will be the divider for my as-yet-unnamed mania personality. I still have a bunch of work to do on it, but I like how its pulling together so far.

Next up is my generic to-do list These are things that I do anyways, but having them on a list will "make me feel better the next time (I) hit a low," according to my therapist. Ok, no problem, I'm willing to give almost anything a try, and it allows my inner list-make freedom as well. Yays for me!

The next 4 are lists for my blogs. Don't expect to see any of these any time soon, I'm aiming to have all this show up a few months from now, that way I can (hopefully) get a good amount built up for the next time I hit a low. I want that buffer of a few months, that way it moves along as seamless as possible, in spite of my bipolar.

Then I have a list of songs to listen to when I get hyper that will help me to focus that positive energy into something productive. As you can see, I could only think of two songs so far. I guess I really do suck at naming music! LOL

The last two are lists of things I need to do for my daughter. I don't speak of her much here simply because I wish to keep her separate from my mental health issues. She has enough going on without my problems! LOL

I'm hoping that, once I have this set up for each of my moods, that I can better deal with all my varied mood swings. It sounds easy, but its not. I really do hate being bipolar, I hate allowing myself time to be depressed. What this book will eventually do is find a way for me to be productive even when I'm down low. Just at an easier pace than when I'm in a mania state.

What do you think? Would something like this help you? Well, continue following along and I'll share all my experiences with all of you!

The rest of my week was rather boring. I was caught in a low, dragging ass and wishing everyone would just leave me alone and simultaneously wishing someone would tell me that they knew how bad I felt and cuddle with me. I'll be honest here: I contemplated suicide at least twice during the past week. Yeah, I was badly down, and felt so horrid.


Looking back, I realize how stupid I was for letting those thoughts get to me like that, but that is who I am. Call me self-centered or a drama queen or whatever, I can't change it. I will always and forever have downs. I just need a support system that notices these moments who can guide me along through it. Not stop it, I can't stop being depressed; but guide me through that dark and tangled path of depression to the rubber band that sends me back out of the hole. Eventually I'll get it set, I hope.

That's enough for today! Leave me a comment below and I'll start answering any questions on Saturdays!

Love and Light,
Kat

I Can't

"I'm here if you need me."

"If you ever want to talk, let me know."

"Come to me whenever you need help."

I love you, but I can't. I already feel like I am a nuisance, I already feel like I'm a pain in the ass, I already feel the fool. I simply can't go to you, I wish I could make you see. Its fear, believe it is true. Fear keeps me from going to you. I'm scared to be ignored, and end up getting ignored because I'm scared to talk. Starting conversations is hard... Seriously almost impossible for me. It doesn't matter if it is online, over the phone, or in person. Starting the conversation is near impossible.

Add depression to the anxiety, and I have my fatal mix. I can't go to you. I just can't. So instead of telling me to go to you, can you come to me now and then? Please?

I Don't Blame You

Seriously, I don't. I understand. I'm a drama queen. I know. I'm an attention whore. I know. So I get it. I understand. And I'm not mad at you. Its completely understandable, with everything that has been said.

Its only depression. I know, I need to get over it. That's why you ignore me. You turn your back because you're so sick and tired of hearing about it. And I know, I don't stop talking about it. I'm only seeking attention, wanting everyone talking about me. I get it.

Its only anxiety. Everyone has it, and no one else is complaining about it. Everyone else gets up and goes to work. I know, I'm an attention whore since I don't leave my house alone. I understand you ignoring my pleas for help. Its annoying, and pathetic. I get it.

Please understand, I don't blame you. I do understand that you're sick and tired of me. You're tired of my attention seeking ways, my way of bringing everyone down. I know, your problems are so much worse. I get it.

I'm lazy. I'm pathetic. I'm faking it. I need to get over it. Its in the past, it needs to stay there.

Except, what you don't realize, is I understand that I have brought it all on myself. It was my choices.  I never should have walked into my mothers bedroom to see the kittens. I should have known that my stepfather was in the bathroom with the door open. I should have known, at 4, to knock first. I deserved the "punishment" he gave me. I deserved to learn what women were for at that age. Its important to know that from birth.

I never should have spent Labor Day weekend at Valerie and Veronica's house. I never should have walked away with Carl and Veronica. I never should have come back and threw what happened in those woods right in Lenny's face. I deserved what happened. I deserved being kept in that room the entire time with those 3 guys. I deserved being forced to do what I did. I should have fought more, because we all know the "no" really means yes when you are 14 and they are over 21.

I never should have worn those shorts to the beach with Jennifer, her boyfriend, and his friend. I never should have walked alone down the beach with that friend. I never should have. I should have fought more, I should have let him cut my throat. I deserved it.

I never should have worn jeans and a t-shirt to bed when I stayed the night at Jennifer's place a few months later. I should have known that her boyfriend's friend wanted "relief". Shame on me for being 15 and teasing his 20 year old hormones, by sleeping. I deserved what I got, I should have fought more. I should have let that knife cut me.

I deserved all the other times, because yes, they were more, that I was attacked. I should have fought. I should have allowed them to hurt me. I should have died rather than allow them to do what happened. It was my fault. It was these choices that have created the past I have. And these choices have led me to where I am today. I don't deserve to be depressed, to have anxiety, or to have flashbacks. I should suck it up and move on.

So please, I want to make sure you get this: I don't blame you for ignoring me when I'm depressed. I'm not mad at any of you for turning your back on me. I understand that I am at fault here. I understand that you simply can't deal with my crap anymore.

But please forgive me when my thoughts finally have their way and everything ends for me because no one was there to help me.

WSM 2

The second lesson in this WSM workbook explains about action steps just enough to confuse the piss out of you. It tells you that action steps are there to help you on your road to recovery1, but tell you very little of what these actions steps would be. So, knowing only that action steps are there to help you, you are then asked to choose which kind of action steps you will be taking.

If you are confuzzled, then we share in this feeling.

So, you are given a type of action step and then a list of possible actions to take for that action step and are asked to decide which steps you are willing to do.

1. When your action step is to better remember or find out more about the topic in the WSM program
1. read written materials related to the topic
2. re-read the workbook material on your own
3. find out more about the topic on the internet
4. talk to a professional person (case manager, counselor, psychiatrist, nurse, pharmacist, etc) to learn more about the topic
5. talk to a family member or friend to get his or her opinion about the topic
6. talk to a peer (someone who is also working on their mental health problem) about his or her experiences and opinions
7. talk to a pastor, priest, rabbi or other spiritual counselor in your community to learn more about the topic

I chose options 1, 3, and 6


2. When your action step is to practice something you learned in the WSM program
1. ask someone you trust to support you in practicing a new skill
2. pick a time and place where you can practice your new skill without distractions
3. write down the steps of the skill and carry the steps with you to read before you try it out

I chose 1 and 3


3. When your action step is to express your thoughts and feelings about the topic in the WSM program
1. express your thoughts about the topic through creative activities such as writing a poem or an essay, drawing a picture, playing a song that relates to the topic, etc

I chose to try this one


4. When your action step involves getting support from others
1. talk to one or more people you trust about your involvement in the WSM program. Invite them to learn about the program and let them know how they can be helpful

I chose this one


5. When your action step involves connecting with resources in your community
1. make a phone call to set up a meeting
2. ask someone to join you in visiting community resources, such as self-help and advocacy groups, cultural programs, educational programs, religious or spiritual groups, social clubs or other groups in your community


6. When your action step is to practice leadership
1. during the wsm group, you may be offered an opportunity to lead or co-lead a lesson of interest. You would meet with the WSM group leader and work out a plan to lead one or more of the lessons in the WSM program

No, I didn't choose one from each category, especially since I am doing this solo, without a group of any sort. (I don't play well with others.)

Discussion point: If you are following along with me, what steps are you most interested in trying? Why?

Journaling Assignment #7

The thing I wish other people would get about me is...

Actually, there a few things, and this list may easily change later on down the road. But today, I have a few. I'm not lazy, for one. What people perceive as laziness is actually depression, anxiety, and pain.

I don't want to be like this, but I am and likely will always be this way. Medication may or may not help, but it sure as hells won't cure me.

Just because I smile or laugh does not mean I am happy. I laugh when I am scared, hurt, sad, or angry too. The emotions get so strong that the only way I can cope is to laugh.

The letters "LOL" don't mean I am laughing, either. I sometimes use LOL to denote a joke or just to say something when I have nothing to say.

I have never learned how to properly converse with others, so my attempts at humor often fall short.

I hate hate. It is too absolute and completely illogical. Hate's only purpose is to be negative and push progress backward. Humans are meant to go forward, not backward.

I am lonely. I don't just crave closeness, I need it in order to survive. I am dying inside every day I don't have that closeness I crave.

Negative Positivity

Positive think is preached over and over ad nauseam. Self-help books have been devoted solely to train people how to think positively, and have made fistfulls flying off the shelves. People don't like being depressed, so this positive thinking thing seems like it makes sense.

Wrong.

It took one session with my therapist to spark the thought that I may have been hurting myself more by using positive thinking than I already was to begin with.

Before I go further, I'm going to point out, again, that I have no formal education regarding this, nor do I have scientific results to spout off. I am simply me: a bipolar, possibly HFA, woman of 36 years on this rock we call Earth.

The reasoning is rather simple, though it may be difficult to put all my thoughts to words here. Let me try:

Every day I would wake up and tell myself, "Today is going to be a good day." I'd repeat it over and over like a litany, a chant, willing it to be true. No, I wouldn't necessarily have plans for the day, just that it was going to be good because I will it so.

Some days it would work. I'd be happy all day, productive and generally awesome.

However, may days I'd still be drinking my coffee an hour later wondering why I didn't feel more positive. The next hour I'd add, "I will accomplish something and be happy today." Two hours later I'd still be feeling like crap, wondering why it wasn't working. Instead of feeling better, I'd feel worse. Not because I was being negative, but because I wasn't accomplishing anything. Then the cascading spiral would fall into place.

I would start berating myself for not doing anything, for not being happy. I felt bad for being depressed for "no good reason at all." I blamed myself for not being positive enough. Its a viscous cycle.

I would forget that I AM bipolar. Sure, I'd tell people all the time, but I never really let it sink in that it is okay and normal to have bad days. Bad days happen, just as good days happen. No amount of positive thinking is going to change that.

I spent so much time and energy trying to be positive that I forgot that it is okay to be negative. "No" is acceptable. "Not today" is acceptable. It is acceptable and just fine to just be. Just breathe. Just have a bad day and not get a damned thing done. The world will not end if I have a bad day, and nothing is so important that having a bad day will ruin everything.

Screw the positive thinking. Sometimes I want to be negative. So now, when I wake up in the morning, I'll have a new first thought, "Today, I will just be." Positive or negative, I will just be. And that is just perfect for me.

~Kat

WSM 1

WSM stands for Wellness Self Management, the name of a workbook I am doing alongside my art therapy. Now, because of today's "lesson", I am sharing my progress through this work book with all of you. You get to hold me accountable, and my support team/group gets to hear any of the hard stuff that really isn't suitable for this blog.

So... Lesson 1. (3 weeks ago)

We covered the purpose of the workbook: to help me recover from the depression, anxiety, PTSD, and assorted other BS that is going on in my head. No, there's nothing wrong with being bipolar, but there is something wrong when I'm too messed up mentally (and physically) to hold any kind of stable employment. This workbook is supposed to help me learn how to cope with day to day stresses, as well as how to lean on support when it is needed. In total, there are 8 goals to the program.

1. learning about recovery 
2. making the best use of mental and physical health services
3. learning how those services can help me achieve my goals
4. staying well by decreasing symptoms
5. learning how to manage stresses and prevent relapses (that long deep spiral, as I call it)
6. learn how to connect with others (ewwww, I wanna be a loner!)
7. learn how to live healthier (win the lotto?)
8. recognizing and building on my cultural values and experiences 

I was told to choose which of those were most important to me. (Well how the fuck am I supposed to know? This is the first frikkin lesson!) I chose #'s 4,5, and 8. I was then promptly told that keeping my med clinic appointment would help with #4, #5 is helped with blogging (go figure), and taking nature walks MORE OFTEN helps with #8. (Kinda hard to go for walks when there are so few people HERE that I trust...)

At the end of every lesson there is a discussion point. Lesson 1's discussion;

How would accomplishing any of these goals make a difference in your life?

A difference? How the hell am I to know at this point? *shrugs* I guess maybe it'll make me better able to fake being normal. After all, that is the goal of all therapy, right? To learn how to blend in and fit the mold of what is and isn't acceptable? *shrugs* We'll see.

I do have high hopes for this. I hate being the way I am...

So, talk to me. If you are following along with this program too (and I encourage it if you aren't able to do therapy, but I encourage a professional to help you above all), which goals would you choose? Why? If not, then what goals do you think I should be paying more attention to? Why? Talk to me below...

Drained

Not only is this blog going to house my journaling assignments from therapy, but also the Occasional venting from time to time about things that hurt or things that cause great joys. Today, it is the former rather than the latter.

Many know I have been battling the State of Florida child support system for being incredibly unfair in their practices. The are already taking 50% of my pay, not to mention the $150 a month EXTRA that my son gets, but now the State of Oklahoma is adding fuel to the fire.

I had court today, and was hoping that since my ex has already received so damned much from me, that I would be able to get my license back. No such luck, it seems. Apparently over $10K wasn't enough to satisfy the judge. (That was over 25% of what I owed, for the record.) No, they want me to pay in three months child support. It doesn't matter that I get paid monthly from the US government who is taking out too much already, nor does it matter that the one payment already made was over 4 times what the State of Oklahoma wanted. It wasn't 3 consecutive months, so it doesn't count for shit.

*sighs*

I wish I knew who pissed in the judge's Wheaties today, I'd have a few choice words for them. All I wanted was my license back so I wasn't such a huge burden on my father. All these doctors appointments and errands are running him ragged, its stealing him from me and I don't like it. Me being run ragged? That's fine. I'd do it all if just to save him. I get a day of rest tomorrow, Dad doesn't.

I'm really not sure who needs it more though: me for all the anxieties I've been forced to hide and pretend through, or him for the toll all of this running around is taking on him.

I'm behind on blog posts for my main site, and I beg for everyone's forgiveness for that. Maybe tomorrow I can catch up. Today... My give a damn is busted and I have no clue where the repair man ran off to...

~Kat