My Journal

 My case manager is the one giving me writing assignments. I want to make that clear. This is part of my art rehabilitation, a way for me to use my creativity to help me recover and heal from all the BS I have going on in my head.

I also need to make it clear that I hated, HATED the idea of creating a journal at first. It seemed elementary and immature to do something like this. I didn't see, at first, how important it would be to personalize a notebook simply to hold writing assignments given to me. I was so very wrong.

My journal has simple roots. It was a simple blue spiral notebook I picked up from Dollar General. I was actually a little pissed I couldn't find a purple or black one. I clipped little tidbits from a couple magazines and used a glue stick to get them to stick. The card you see, I had been holding onto it for ages. The card symbolizes me, I am the Queen of Hearts. No, don't go all Alice in Wonderland on this. My Queen of Hearts is softer in many ways, showering everyone around her with love, and defending all those that I give that love to. Fiercely protective, but gentle and caring.

Coffee made an appearance in the early design stage, with a line of text that says "Share a cup of coffee with a friend." It is a reminder to share something I enjoy with someone, to be more social. There are inspiring words there too:

• "Stay Strong"
• "You're the Best"
• "Today, a Smile is All the Makeup I Need."
• "Discover"

A Thunderbird flies through this to remind me of my roots, of Edwards Air Force Base in California, and all the joys I experienced there.

Later on I added other bits. Quotes from famous people that inspire me, bits of song lyrics to remind me. Things that touch my heart and speak to my soul:

• "...it turns out she was the badass princess rescuing me." -Torie James
• "Life's like an hourglass glued to the table." -Ana Nalick
• "The important thing is to never stop questioning." -Albert Einstein
•  "Procrastination is the thief of time." -Edward Young
• "I never think of the future, it comes soon enough." -Albert Einstein
• "Fate loves the fearless." -James Russell Lowell
• "Every rose has its thorn." -Poison
• "Just breathe" -Ana Nalick
• "I walk a lonely road..." -Greenday

Then I added in little expressions of myself. A flower, a peace sign, later a cat and skull and crossbones. I added bits of my religion, of Paganism, to protect the thoughts held inside the book and to promote creativity and healing. This journal was becoming mine, becoming personal. I was growing pride in it, and all the bits of me already poured into it even before I started writing.



But I had black spots I need filled. So I asked on my personal Facebook for friends to help me by giving me words they would use to describe me. I bawled my eyes out at the resulting onslaught of responses.

• compassionate
• awesome
• amazing
• beautiful
• honest
• caring
• hillarius
• stunning
• genuine
• inspiring
• phenomenal
• friend
• true
• creative
• kind

I was unable to fit all the words that were given onto the thing. It overflowed with all the kind words of my friends. I realized, when I was doe, that it was mine. This silly little project transformed a notebook into an extension of myself.

I took care and glued the entire cover. It didn't seal it enough for me, so I added two more layers of glue. The result dimmed the glitter I added in a little, but it protects it and seals it. Everything added into this thing is me, and I can't stop looking at it or touching it. Mine. My journal to write in and delve into the deepest depths of my soul.

But I'm not stopping with just the front outside cover. I'm also slowly going to add to the rest of the notebook. This is a work in progress. I'll add things I run across as I go.

The outside cover is the me that everyone sees. But the inside covers will be the me I hide, the person behind the mask. Just as my writing will be from the person behind the mask.

I encourage everyone to make their own journal. The experience was something everyone should have. You don't have to write on the same topics I will be. Google will give you thousands of journal topics you can use. But having this journal near, having a piece of me like this, is just an amazing feeling.

~Kat