Gah!

Gah! Why "Gah"? Because, just GAH!

Many people don't understand how I fight daily to make everything make sense to others. The way my mind works isn't normal. I know this already. So I'm going to do something I normally fight to keep from doing. I'm going to start typing about nothing at all, and just let my mind go free. Why? Because I want people to understand that I am NOT normal. I want someone, somewhere, to go "hey, she's not normal." I want to know why I'm not normal. I want to know why I work the way I dod. I want to know why I add in extra words when they dont need to be added in. i want to know why I sub add and subtract letters mid sentence med word. I want to know I come so fragmented so often. I want to know why my family lied and witheld information from me for so long. I want to know what is really wrog with me. In school, I would scream in frustration for what the teachers and students claimed was no reason at all. I had a reason. They were pissing me off and I felt so trapped and hopeless that the only way I could keep breathing was to scream bloody muder hooror flick screams.

I don't understand why it was so hard for me to read at first. I don't understand why, after I figured out the words meant pictures, I figured it out so quickly and read and understood so well. I was tested on the CAT test in school and had a college level understanding by 3rd grade. Almost all my scores were college level by 6th. I understood it all, but not because I knew it. I knew how to trick the test. I trick tests all the time. Those little quizzes on facebook are a joke, so easy to trick. And the test when i tried to get tanaf was almost as easy. But apparently I retained more highschool knowledge than a person my age normally would have. and I felt like apologizing for it! I am constantly ashamed to know what I know and how I know. I am ashamed of my body, I am ashamed of my mingd I am ashamed of me all around. I am a disgusting human being. I have been raped, beaten, blodied, and laughed at. And not once, and not just one person, but several times several people and it hurts as much today as it did then because I can still see it clearly. Every noght in my dreams in full color. I see it, I feel it, I hear it taste it smell it.

I hide behind fear. I keep to myself and hide behind all my fears. I don't say even an 8th of what I think. I think, all the time. It never stops, even when I sleep. I can't shower because i can't stand the sight of me without clothing. I stink because I can't wear deodorant because I have cysts under my arms and deodorant makes them worse. It is spring and getting hot and I stink beause I hate showering because I hate seeing myself because i am ugly and the doctor even said I was morbidly obese. that means horribly fat. disgustingly fat. so fat it is morbid. I am ugly, and I hear 50 people telling me constantly. Hear them, loud and clear. I hear dad yelling at me to clean the glass off the floor after I dropped the glass bottle of orange juice and froze because i was scared her was going to yell at me angain.


It keeps going, folks, but I've said too much already. Enjoy a few moments in my brain. Misspellings, bad grammar and punctuation and all. This is the real, uncensored me.

~Kat