Q&A Saturday 5-9-15

Its Q&A Saturday! I love this day because I get to answer questions from you, my readers. The idea is simple, ask me questions either in the comments, on my Facebook page, or on my personal Facebook page and I’ll answer them here each Saturday. Until I build a good long list up, I’ll be answering one question a week. So, without further ado, here is the historic first question:

Wendi asks, “Do the doctors’ diagnoses and assumptions conflict with what you know to be going on with you?”

A pretty deep question, when the importance of a proper diagnosis is on the line. But I have to say that no, we are all in agreement on what my problems are, except for one item.

I have a family history of Autism Spectrum in my family, it seems. My sister is HFA, her daughter just recently became verbal on the spectrum. My own daughter has HFA and I honestly would not be surprised if I were to have my son diagnosed with Asperger’s. So with all the evidence, you’d think the doctor would jump to see if I had it too.

Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory has been assumed by some fans to have Asperger’s. (The character, not the actor, and I honestly don’t know how true it is.) I state this simply because I’ve had many friends compare me to him. So do I have HFA or Asperger’s? I don’t know because my therapist doesn’t want to diagnose it. She says it would make little difference right now simply because my biggest problem is my bipolar and PTSD. Honestly, I’m not even sure I want to be diagnosed today. Maybe a year from now, simply to help statistics, but not today.

As for the bipolar, PTSD, and social anxiety diagnoses, we’re in agreement. I seem to be a “professional victim” as one doctor had stated many years ago. I simply don’t know how to defend myself. My children, family, and friends, yes. Myself, no. The asthma, degenerative disc disease, and narcolepsy are spot on. So even that doctor has all my bases covered. With the new family history added, she’s now checking my blood sugar to see if my hypoglycemia has gotten better or worse. Time will tell there.

As you can see, I’m an open book here. Have a question to ask? Comment below and maybe I’ll answer your question next week! Until then, Love and Light to you all.

~Kat

Sunday Recap 5-3-2015

So, I am going to TRY to do a recap each Sunday to let everyone know what I have been up to. Since this blog is focused mainly on mental health and my path through therapy, I will do my best to stick to those themes.

I've been working on an idea I was given by my therapist, a Coping Book. Whatever my mood or 'personality', there will be pages to go to to find things to help me cope. I'm in a better mood today, so have been steadily working on the mania side of my bipolar. That hyperactive me that still has no name; I see her so rarely!

Bear with me, I have a ton of pictures to show, so I'm trying to fit them all into the blog. Its harder than it looks!

I'll describe the pictures from left to right, top to bottom, and pray that I have enough room in the blog to describe them all. Keep in mind that this has all been done earlier today as well. You'll see how busy I have been today!

The first pic is the binder itself, or rather the insert that sits in front of the binder. There are a ton of sayings written there that I found via Google. Not everything has the author's name attached, which is fine for me. I'm doing this for me, not for money.


The second picture will be the divider for my as-yet-unnamed mania personality. I still have a bunch of work to do on it, but I like how its pulling together so far.

Next up is my generic to-do list These are things that I do anyways, but having them on a list will "make me feel better the next time (I) hit a low," according to my therapist. Ok, no problem, I'm willing to give almost anything a try, and it allows my inner list-make freedom as well. Yays for me!

The next 4 are lists for my blogs. Don't expect to see any of these any time soon, I'm aiming to have all this show up a few months from now, that way I can (hopefully) get a good amount built up for the next time I hit a low. I want that buffer of a few months, that way it moves along as seamless as possible, in spite of my bipolar.

Then I have a list of songs to listen to when I get hyper that will help me to focus that positive energy into something productive. As you can see, I could only think of two songs so far. I guess I really do suck at naming music! LOL

The last two are lists of things I need to do for my daughter. I don't speak of her much here simply because I wish to keep her separate from my mental health issues. She has enough going on without my problems! LOL

I'm hoping that, once I have this set up for each of my moods, that I can better deal with all my varied mood swings. It sounds easy, but its not. I really do hate being bipolar, I hate allowing myself time to be depressed. What this book will eventually do is find a way for me to be productive even when I'm down low. Just at an easier pace than when I'm in a mania state.

What do you think? Would something like this help you? Well, continue following along and I'll share all my experiences with all of you!

The rest of my week was rather boring. I was caught in a low, dragging ass and wishing everyone would just leave me alone and simultaneously wishing someone would tell me that they knew how bad I felt and cuddle with me. I'll be honest here: I contemplated suicide at least twice during the past week. Yeah, I was badly down, and felt so horrid.


Looking back, I realize how stupid I was for letting those thoughts get to me like that, but that is who I am. Call me self-centered or a drama queen or whatever, I can't change it. I will always and forever have downs. I just need a support system that notices these moments who can guide me along through it. Not stop it, I can't stop being depressed; but guide me through that dark and tangled path of depression to the rubber band that sends me back out of the hole. Eventually I'll get it set, I hope.

That's enough for today! Leave me a comment below and I'll start answering any questions on Saturdays!

Love and Light,
Kat

I Can't

"I'm here if you need me."

"If you ever want to talk, let me know."

"Come to me whenever you need help."

I love you, but I can't. I already feel like I am a nuisance, I already feel like I'm a pain in the ass, I already feel the fool. I simply can't go to you, I wish I could make you see. Its fear, believe it is true. Fear keeps me from going to you. I'm scared to be ignored, and end up getting ignored because I'm scared to talk. Starting conversations is hard... Seriously almost impossible for me. It doesn't matter if it is online, over the phone, or in person. Starting the conversation is near impossible.

Add depression to the anxiety, and I have my fatal mix. I can't go to you. I just can't. So instead of telling me to go to you, can you come to me now and then? Please?

I Don't Blame You

Seriously, I don't. I understand. I'm a drama queen. I know. I'm an attention whore. I know. So I get it. I understand. And I'm not mad at you. Its completely understandable, with everything that has been said.

Its only depression. I know, I need to get over it. That's why you ignore me. You turn your back because you're so sick and tired of hearing about it. And I know, I don't stop talking about it. I'm only seeking attention, wanting everyone talking about me. I get it.

Its only anxiety. Everyone has it, and no one else is complaining about it. Everyone else gets up and goes to work. I know, I'm an attention whore since I don't leave my house alone. I understand you ignoring my pleas for help. Its annoying, and pathetic. I get it.

Please understand, I don't blame you. I do understand that you're sick and tired of me. You're tired of my attention seeking ways, my way of bringing everyone down. I know, your problems are so much worse. I get it.

I'm lazy. I'm pathetic. I'm faking it. I need to get over it. Its in the past, it needs to stay there.

Except, what you don't realize, is I understand that I have brought it all on myself. It was my choices.  I never should have walked into my mothers bedroom to see the kittens. I should have known that my stepfather was in the bathroom with the door open. I should have known, at 4, to knock first. I deserved the "punishment" he gave me. I deserved to learn what women were for at that age. Its important to know that from birth.

I never should have spent Labor Day weekend at Valerie and Veronica's house. I never should have walked away with Carl and Veronica. I never should have come back and threw what happened in those woods right in Lenny's face. I deserved what happened. I deserved being kept in that room the entire time with those 3 guys. I deserved being forced to do what I did. I should have fought more, because we all know the "no" really means yes when you are 14 and they are over 21.

I never should have worn those shorts to the beach with Jennifer, her boyfriend, and his friend. I never should have walked alone down the beach with that friend. I never should have. I should have fought more, I should have let him cut my throat. I deserved it.

I never should have worn jeans and a t-shirt to bed when I stayed the night at Jennifer's place a few months later. I should have known that her boyfriend's friend wanted "relief". Shame on me for being 15 and teasing his 20 year old hormones, by sleeping. I deserved what I got, I should have fought more. I should have let that knife cut me.

I deserved all the other times, because yes, they were more, that I was attacked. I should have fought. I should have allowed them to hurt me. I should have died rather than allow them to do what happened. It was my fault. It was these choices that have created the past I have. And these choices have led me to where I am today. I don't deserve to be depressed, to have anxiety, or to have flashbacks. I should suck it up and move on.

So please, I want to make sure you get this: I don't blame you for ignoring me when I'm depressed. I'm not mad at any of you for turning your back on me. I understand that I am at fault here. I understand that you simply can't deal with my crap anymore.

But please forgive me when my thoughts finally have their way and everything ends for me because no one was there to help me.

Depression Sucks

Depression sucks, bipolar too.
If I could change the way I feel,
I wouldn't be so blue.
I wouldn't get so sad
or cry myself to sleep.
I'd be happy for what I have,
blessings to keep.

Mania can be nice,
if you're into chaos.
Everything is a mess
I'm completely at a loss.
Projects everywhere,
not one of them done.
Things in disrepair,
the list goes on and on.

I didn't ask to be this way.
This is not what I want.
I wish I was normal.
Normal I am not.
I can't just "Get over it."
Its not something I can turn off.
That's why when you say it
I do nothing but scoff.

Don't leave me alone,
I need you more than ever.
When I'm down and low,
all connections I try to sever.
But don't let it happen,
don't let me slip a way.
Keep talking, keep trying,
I do listen to what you say.

Your words, they echo,
in the stillness of the night.
The more kindness I get
perhaps those words just might
silence the memories
of all the violence and hate
and words spoken from the past
might finally dissipate.

Depression sucks, bipolar too.
If I could change the way I feel,
I wouldn't be so blue.
I wouldn't get so sad
or cry myself to sleep.
I'd be happy for what I have,
blessings to keep.

-K Perrin 4-29-15 8:47am

WSM 2

The second lesson in this WSM workbook explains about action steps just enough to confuse the piss out of you. It tells you that action steps are there to help you on your road to recovery1, but tell you very little of what these actions steps would be. So, knowing only that action steps are there to help you, you are then asked to choose which kind of action steps you will be taking.

If you are confuzzled, then we share in this feeling.

So, you are given a type of action step and then a list of possible actions to take for that action step and are asked to decide which steps you are willing to do.

1. When your action step is to better remember or find out more about the topic in the WSM program
1. read written materials related to the topic
2. re-read the workbook material on your own
3. find out more about the topic on the internet
4. talk to a professional person (case manager, counselor, psychiatrist, nurse, pharmacist, etc) to learn more about the topic
5. talk to a family member or friend to get his or her opinion about the topic
6. talk to a peer (someone who is also working on their mental health problem) about his or her experiences and opinions
7. talk to a pastor, priest, rabbi or other spiritual counselor in your community to learn more about the topic

I chose options 1, 3, and 6


2. When your action step is to practice something you learned in the WSM program
1. ask someone you trust to support you in practicing a new skill
2. pick a time and place where you can practice your new skill without distractions
3. write down the steps of the skill and carry the steps with you to read before you try it out

I chose 1 and 3


3. When your action step is to express your thoughts and feelings about the topic in the WSM program
1. express your thoughts about the topic through creative activities such as writing a poem or an essay, drawing a picture, playing a song that relates to the topic, etc

I chose to try this one


4. When your action step involves getting support from others
1. talk to one or more people you trust about your involvement in the WSM program. Invite them to learn about the program and let them know how they can be helpful

I chose this one


5. When your action step involves connecting with resources in your community
1. make a phone call to set up a meeting
2. ask someone to join you in visiting community resources, such as self-help and advocacy groups, cultural programs, educational programs, religious or spiritual groups, social clubs or other groups in your community


6. When your action step is to practice leadership
1. during the wsm group, you may be offered an opportunity to lead or co-lead a lesson of interest. You would meet with the WSM group leader and work out a plan to lead one or more of the lessons in the WSM program

No, I didn't choose one from each category, especially since I am doing this solo, without a group of any sort. (I don't play well with others.)

Discussion point: If you are following along with me, what steps are you most interested in trying? Why?

Journaling Assignment #7

The thing I wish other people would get about me is...

Actually, there a few things, and this list may easily change later on down the road. But today, I have a few. I'm not lazy, for one. What people perceive as laziness is actually depression, anxiety, and pain.

I don't want to be like this, but I am and likely will always be this way. Medication may or may not help, but it sure as hells won't cure me.

Just because I smile or laugh does not mean I am happy. I laugh when I am scared, hurt, sad, or angry too. The emotions get so strong that the only way I can cope is to laugh.

The letters "LOL" don't mean I am laughing, either. I sometimes use LOL to denote a joke or just to say something when I have nothing to say.

I have never learned how to properly converse with others, so my attempts at humor often fall short.

I hate hate. It is too absolute and completely illogical. Hate's only purpose is to be negative and push progress backward. Humans are meant to go forward, not backward.

I am lonely. I don't just crave closeness, I need it in order to survive. I am dying inside every day I don't have that closeness I crave.

Journaling Assignment #6

My family would describe me as...

• lazy
• bitch
• naive
• stubborn

Negative Positivity

Positive think is preached over and over ad nauseam. Self-help books have been devoted solely to train people how to think positively, and have made fistfulls flying off the shelves. People don't like being depressed, so this positive thinking thing seems like it makes sense.

Wrong.

It took one session with my therapist to spark the thought that I may have been hurting myself more by using positive thinking than I already was to begin with.

Before I go further, I'm going to point out, again, that I have no formal education regarding this, nor do I have scientific results to spout off. I am simply me: a bipolar, possibly HFA, woman of 36 years on this rock we call Earth.

The reasoning is rather simple, though it may be difficult to put all my thoughts to words here. Let me try:

Every day I would wake up and tell myself, "Today is going to be a good day." I'd repeat it over and over like a litany, a chant, willing it to be true. No, I wouldn't necessarily have plans for the day, just that it was going to be good because I will it so.

Some days it would work. I'd be happy all day, productive and generally awesome.

However, may days I'd still be drinking my coffee an hour later wondering why I didn't feel more positive. The next hour I'd add, "I will accomplish something and be happy today." Two hours later I'd still be feeling like crap, wondering why it wasn't working. Instead of feeling better, I'd feel worse. Not because I was being negative, but because I wasn't accomplishing anything. Then the cascading spiral would fall into place.

I would start berating myself for not doing anything, for not being happy. I felt bad for being depressed for "no good reason at all." I blamed myself for not being positive enough. Its a viscous cycle.

I would forget that I AM bipolar. Sure, I'd tell people all the time, but I never really let it sink in that it is okay and normal to have bad days. Bad days happen, just as good days happen. No amount of positive thinking is going to change that.

I spent so much time and energy trying to be positive that I forgot that it is okay to be negative. "No" is acceptable. "Not today" is acceptable. It is acceptable and just fine to just be. Just breathe. Just have a bad day and not get a damned thing done. The world will not end if I have a bad day, and nothing is so important that having a bad day will ruin everything.

Screw the positive thinking. Sometimes I want to be negative. So now, when I wake up in the morning, I'll have a new first thought, "Today, I will just be." Positive or negative, I will just be. And that is just perfect for me.

~Kat

WSM 1

WSM stands for Wellness Self Management, the name of a workbook I am doing alongside my art therapy. Now, because of today's "lesson", I am sharing my progress through this work book with all of you. You get to hold me accountable, and my support team/group gets to hear any of the hard stuff that really isn't suitable for this blog.

So... Lesson 1. (3 weeks ago)

We covered the purpose of the workbook: to help me recover from the depression, anxiety, PTSD, and assorted other BS that is going on in my head. No, there's nothing wrong with being bipolar, but there is something wrong when I'm too messed up mentally (and physically) to hold any kind of stable employment. This workbook is supposed to help me learn how to cope with day to day stresses, as well as how to lean on support when it is needed. In total, there are 8 goals to the program.

1. learning about recovery 
2. making the best use of mental and physical health services
3. learning how those services can help me achieve my goals
4. staying well by decreasing symptoms
5. learning how to manage stresses and prevent relapses (that long deep spiral, as I call it)
6. learn how to connect with others (ewwww, I wanna be a loner!)
7. learn how to live healthier (win the lotto?)
8. recognizing and building on my cultural values and experiences 

I was told to choose which of those were most important to me. (Well how the fuck am I supposed to know? This is the first frikkin lesson!) I chose #'s 4,5, and 8. I was then promptly told that keeping my med clinic appointment would help with #4, #5 is helped with blogging (go figure), and taking nature walks MORE OFTEN helps with #8. (Kinda hard to go for walks when there are so few people HERE that I trust...)

At the end of every lesson there is a discussion point. Lesson 1's discussion;

How would accomplishing any of these goals make a difference in your life?

A difference? How the hell am I to know at this point? *shrugs* I guess maybe it'll make me better able to fake being normal. After all, that is the goal of all therapy, right? To learn how to blend in and fit the mold of what is and isn't acceptable? *shrugs* We'll see.

I do have high hopes for this. I hate being the way I am...

So, talk to me. If you are following along with this program too (and I encourage it if you aren't able to do therapy, but I encourage a professional to help you above all), which goals would you choose? Why? If not, then what goals do you think I should be paying more attention to? Why? Talk to me below...

Journaling for Therapy #5

Write a list of at least 20 things that make you happy or feel good.

1. Sir Munch-a-Lot (my son)
2. Princess Kitten (my daughter)
3. music
4. rolling thunder
5. writig
6. crafting
7. singing
8. acting
9. animal loves
10. giving gifts
11. the ocean at night, alone
12. lakes in the morning, alone
13. waterfalls, alone
14. snowfall in the afternoon, alone
15. solitude in nature
16. Disney shows at Disney parks
17. cuddles
18. foreplay (not intercourse)
19. fishing, alone
20. quiet at campfire
21. dancing in the soft summer rain
22. solitude among the soft fall of dogwood blossoms in a light spring breeze
23. 4th of July fireworks
24. Thunderbirds flying above
25. riding a motorcycle down a scenic road
26. swimming/floating alone
27. blanket forts
28. chocolate fountains

Journaling for Therapy #4

What would you do if someone gave you $1million?

$100thousand would go towards my son. First I'd pay off my child support, then deposit the rest to pay out to his father between now and my son's 18th birthday. Another $100thousand would be deposited in a trust fund to pay out a little at a time until he is 30.

$200thousand goes to my daughter. It would be set to pay out a little at a time so that she gets a total of $100thousand by her 18th birthday and the rest until she's 30.

$100thousand would serve to put a 80% down payment on my dream house. A matching amount would be deposited to pay the small mortgage as well as taxes and insurance.

$50thousand goes to Daddy to do as he pleases. $10thousand goes to my sister, and another $10thousand goes to my brother. $1thousand each goes to Mary B, Chrystal R, Sam S, Amy K, Teri McG, Christine McC, Danielle M, Scott G, Teresa G, Alex McG, Jason McG, Chrissy B, Blayke, Langxtin, Eric K, Haley K, Megan K, Dylan K, Jason I, and Darryl C. Another $10 goes towards moving expenses and new furniture for me, Daddy, and Kitten.

That leaves me with $300thousand. After getting teeth (and possibly plastic surgery), the rest would be spent gradually; buying clothing, house items, and 'toys'. Food is easily bought when needed. But, a vacation would also be called for; or a few. Two weeks in Florida to start, most of it spent n DisneyWorld. My daughter needs to meet the princesses and pixies.

Thunder

There is just something about the slow roll of thunder through the skies that energizes ad excites me. Not the quick claps and the violent drums, but the gradual thrums that slowly gain in volume, then slowly decrease. The purr or growl, if you will, from the lords and ladies of the sky.

We have storms coming today, which essentially means I'm not going to be online for long. Not a big deal, I have plenty of projects to work on. But the call of thunder beckons me, begs me to listen. Listen I shall, while writing in my journal by the light of the occasional flash of cloud to cloud lightning.

With every purr from the sky comes those beautiful smells of rain. That first smell, the petrichor, speaks of new beginnings. The the damp soil as it begins to rain, the cleansing of the earth. Then the beautiful smell of the flowers and damp grass add in after the rain, the earth dries and sings to the sky gods, a thank you for the drink, the nourishment. The smells wrap around a person, and if that person allows it, transports them to new and magical realms.

If a person closes their eyes during a storm, and just relaxes, new mysteries evolve around them. New sounds, colors, and feelings begin to bloom. One could almost swear the trees are singing a choir of gratefulness.

Dear friends, hope that these storms are the gentle, inspirational kind for me. The weatherman says they COULD be bad. I'm not letting that get to me. I'm going to go sit and enjoy it while I can. Who knows what may come of it?

~Kat

Drained

Not only is this blog going to house my journaling assignments from therapy, but also the Occasional venting from time to time about things that hurt or things that cause great joys. Today, it is the former rather than the latter.

Many know I have been battling the State of Florida child support system for being incredibly unfair in their practices. The are already taking 50% of my pay, not to mention the $150 a month EXTRA that my son gets, but now the State of Oklahoma is adding fuel to the fire.

I had court today, and was hoping that since my ex has already received so damned much from me, that I would be able to get my license back. No such luck, it seems. Apparently over $10K wasn't enough to satisfy the judge. (That was over 25% of what I owed, for the record.) No, they want me to pay in three months child support. It doesn't matter that I get paid monthly from the US government who is taking out too much already, nor does it matter that the one payment already made was over 4 times what the State of Oklahoma wanted. It wasn't 3 consecutive months, so it doesn't count for shit.

*sighs*

I wish I knew who pissed in the judge's Wheaties today, I'd have a few choice words for them. All I wanted was my license back so I wasn't such a huge burden on my father. All these doctors appointments and errands are running him ragged, its stealing him from me and I don't like it. Me being run ragged? That's fine. I'd do it all if just to save him. I get a day of rest tomorrow, Dad doesn't.

I'm really not sure who needs it more though: me for all the anxieties I've been forced to hide and pretend through, or him for the toll all of this running around is taking on him.

I'm behind on blog posts for my main site, and I beg for everyone's forgiveness for that. Maybe tomorrow I can catch up. Today... My give a damn is busted and I have no clue where the repair man ran off to...

~Kat

Journaling for Therapy #3

Who would be on my guest list at my dream party?

(Its now a rave, fool!)

Guests may be real or fictional, alive or dead. (Author note: Guests are listed in no particular order, so no bitching if you find yourself further down the list than you think you should be.)

(Also known as the list that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends! A list that started up so very long ago, and I keep on adding to it forever and so you know this is the list that never ends...)

• Sir Much-a-Lot (my son)
• Princess Kitten (my daughter)
• Daddy
• Amy Kline
• Eric
• Haley
• Megan
• Dylan
• Samantha Shyrock
• Tabitha
• Cassandra (I hope I got their names right!)
• Christina Burch
• Blayke
• Langxtin (I hope I spelled her name right, I'll fix it if I didn't.)
• Aunt Janice
• Heather
• (Chad) David
• Mindy
• Scott Gallupe
• Teresa Gallupe 
• Jason
• Alex
• Valerie
• Grandma Jackie
• Grandma
• Grandpa
• Grandpa (Mom's dad who killed himself when she was a toddler)
• Teri McGlade
• Christina McClellan
• Sheri Velarde
• Danielle Miles
• Kris <3
•  Jason I
•  Jason's wife and kids
• Michelangelo
• Van Gogh
• Bach
• Mozart
• Shakespeare
• King Arthur
• Lancelot
• Merlin
• Puck
• Loki
• Thor
• Aphrodite
• Aries
• Poseidon
• Acheron
• Simi
• Lestat
• Louis
• Anita Blake
• JeanClaude
• Richard
• Janet Jackson
• Michael Jackson
• Sully (Godsmack)
• Elvis
• Marius
• Savitar
• Stephen King
• Mark Twain
• George Orwell
• Ray Bradbury
• Anne Rice
• Sherrilyn Kenyon
• Eminem
• Dracula
• Sookie Stahouse
• Daryll Dixon
• Daryll Carter
• Rick
• Carl 
• Michonne
• Carol
• Harry Potter
• Hermione Granger
• Dumbledore
• John Wells
• Wolverine
• Hugh Jackman
• Captain Jack Sparrow
• Mad Hatter
• Johnny Depp
• Dr Who
• Captain James T Kirk
• Spock
• Leonard Nimoy
• Robin Williams
• Captain JeanLuc Picard
• Gandolf
• Madonna
• LMFAO (all of them)
• Katarina Perrin (the character)
• Amir
• Nadia
• Aphrodite Rose
• Aria
• Candis Perrin
• Perrin Ayaba
• Raven

I'll add more as I go along...

Journaling for Therapy #2

What is a mistake often made about me?

People tend to assume that I am happy. I smile, I joke, I laugh. But inside, where it counts, I'm not always happy.

What I am is a scared little girl trapped in a cage being poked, prodded, and molested by Doubt, Fear, and Worry; being fed Anger and Resentment, and given only Lies to quench her thirst. I am so very far from happy.

My Journal

 My case manager is the one giving me writing assignments. I want to make that clear. This is part of my art rehabilitation, a way for me to use my creativity to help me recover and heal from all the BS I have going on in my head.

I also need to make it clear that I hated, HATED the idea of creating a journal at first. It seemed elementary and immature to do something like this. I didn't see, at first, how important it would be to personalize a notebook simply to hold writing assignments given to me. I was so very wrong.

My journal has simple roots. It was a simple blue spiral notebook I picked up from Dollar General. I was actually a little pissed I couldn't find a purple or black one. I clipped little tidbits from a couple magazines and used a glue stick to get them to stick. The card you see, I had been holding onto it for ages. The card symbolizes me, I am the Queen of Hearts. No, don't go all Alice in Wonderland on this. My Queen of Hearts is softer in many ways, showering everyone around her with love, and defending all those that I give that love to. Fiercely protective, but gentle and caring.

Coffee made an appearance in the early design stage, with a line of text that says "Share a cup of coffee with a friend." It is a reminder to share something I enjoy with someone, to be more social. There are inspiring words there too:

• "Stay Strong"
• "You're the Best"
• "Today, a Smile is All the Makeup I Need."
• "Discover"

A Thunderbird flies through this to remind me of my roots, of Edwards Air Force Base in California, and all the joys I experienced there.

Later on I added other bits. Quotes from famous people that inspire me, bits of song lyrics to remind me. Things that touch my heart and speak to my soul:

• "...it turns out she was the badass princess rescuing me." -Torie James
• "Life's like an hourglass glued to the table." -Ana Nalick
• "The important thing is to never stop questioning." -Albert Einstein
•  "Procrastination is the thief of time." -Edward Young
• "I never think of the future, it comes soon enough." -Albert Einstein
• "Fate loves the fearless." -James Russell Lowell
• "Every rose has its thorn." -Poison
• "Just breathe" -Ana Nalick
• "I walk a lonely road..." -Greenday

Then I added in little expressions of myself. A flower, a peace sign, later a cat and skull and crossbones. I added bits of my religion, of Paganism, to protect the thoughts held inside the book and to promote creativity and healing. This journal was becoming mine, becoming personal. I was growing pride in it, and all the bits of me already poured into it even before I started writing.



But I had black spots I need filled. So I asked on my personal Facebook for friends to help me by giving me words they would use to describe me. I bawled my eyes out at the resulting onslaught of responses.

• compassionate
• awesome
• amazing
• beautiful
• honest
• caring
• hillarius
• stunning
• genuine
• inspiring
• phenomenal
• friend
• true
• creative
• kind

I was unable to fit all the words that were given onto the thing. It overflowed with all the kind words of my friends. I realized, when I was doe, that it was mine. This silly little project transformed a notebook into an extension of myself.

I took care and glued the entire cover. It didn't seal it enough for me, so I added two more layers of glue. The result dimmed the glitter I added in a little, but it protects it and seals it. Everything added into this thing is me, and I can't stop looking at it or touching it. Mine. My journal to write in and delve into the deepest depths of my soul.

But I'm not stopping with just the front outside cover. I'm also slowly going to add to the rest of the notebook. This is a work in progress. I'll add things I run across as I go.

The outside cover is the me that everyone sees. But the inside covers will be the me I hide, the person behind the mask. Just as my writing will be from the person behind the mask.

I encourage everyone to make their own journal. The experience was something everyone should have. You don't have to write on the same topics I will be. Google will give you thousands of journal topics you can use. But having this journal near, having a piece of me like this, is just an amazing feeling.

~Kat

Gah!

Gah! Why "Gah"? Because, just GAH!

Many people don't understand how I fight daily to make everything make sense to others. The way my mind works isn't normal. I know this already. So I'm going to do something I normally fight to keep from doing. I'm going to start typing about nothing at all, and just let my mind go free. Why? Because I want people to understand that I am NOT normal. I want someone, somewhere, to go "hey, she's not normal." I want to know why I'm not normal. I want to know why I work the way I dod. I want to know why I add in extra words when they dont need to be added in. i want to know why I sub add and subtract letters mid sentence med word. I want to know I come so fragmented so often. I want to know why my family lied and witheld information from me for so long. I want to know what is really wrog with me. In school, I would scream in frustration for what the teachers and students claimed was no reason at all. I had a reason. They were pissing me off and I felt so trapped and hopeless that the only way I could keep breathing was to scream bloody muder hooror flick screams.

I don't understand why it was so hard for me to read at first. I don't understand why, after I figured out the words meant pictures, I figured it out so quickly and read and understood so well. I was tested on the CAT test in school and had a college level understanding by 3rd grade. Almost all my scores were college level by 6th. I understood it all, but not because I knew it. I knew how to trick the test. I trick tests all the time. Those little quizzes on facebook are a joke, so easy to trick. And the test when i tried to get tanaf was almost as easy. But apparently I retained more highschool knowledge than a person my age normally would have. and I felt like apologizing for it! I am constantly ashamed to know what I know and how I know. I am ashamed of my body, I am ashamed of my mingd I am ashamed of me all around. I am a disgusting human being. I have been raped, beaten, blodied, and laughed at. And not once, and not just one person, but several times several people and it hurts as much today as it did then because I can still see it clearly. Every noght in my dreams in full color. I see it, I feel it, I hear it taste it smell it.

I hide behind fear. I keep to myself and hide behind all my fears. I don't say even an 8th of what I think. I think, all the time. It never stops, even when I sleep. I can't shower because i can't stand the sight of me without clothing. I stink because I can't wear deodorant because I have cysts under my arms and deodorant makes them worse. It is spring and getting hot and I stink beause I hate showering because I hate seeing myself because i am ugly and the doctor even said I was morbidly obese. that means horribly fat. disgustingly fat. so fat it is morbid. I am ugly, and I hear 50 people telling me constantly. Hear them, loud and clear. I hear dad yelling at me to clean the glass off the floor after I dropped the glass bottle of orange juice and froze because i was scared her was going to yell at me angain.


It keeps going, folks, but I've said too much already. Enjoy a few moments in my brain. Misspellings, bad grammar and punctuation and all. This is the real, uncensored me.

~Kat

Journaling for Therapy #1

What magical power would I choose if I could? How would I use it? How would I affect change in myself and the world around me?

I would choose the power to heal. Not just physical healing, but emotional as well.

I didn't choose this lightly. Immortality is something I have been obsessed with for most of my life. Healing could be, in many ways, a way to obtain that immortality. But this is more; this is deeper than the desire to live forever.

This is gaining the ability to walk into a children's hospital and cure cancer. I would be able to walk into a VA hospital and help our soldiers recover from the war. Victims would recover quicker from the attacks of their abusers.

Th Earth is a living and breathing being as well. Imagine being able to see the fish swimming in the Hudson River. Picture the return of wildlife to the areas around Chernobyll. Dream of a smog free China.

I would not do this for fame, nor for money. My daughter and I could lives as nomads, exploring the world. We could learn of other cultures, experience new things.

We wold be invisible agents of peace and love. I could heal people of their hate and contempt. Heal people so the can be free of their insecurities, free to dream. People would be free of illness and doubt, free to do what they were meant to do on this earth.

If I could have a magical power, I would heal.

~Kat