Sunday Recap 5-3-2015

So, I am going to TRY to do a recap each Sunday to let everyone know what I have been up to. Since this blog is focused mainly on mental health and my path through therapy, I will do my best to stick to those themes.

I've been working on an idea I was given by my therapist, a Coping Book. Whatever my mood or 'personality', there will be pages to go to to find things to help me cope. I'm in a better mood today, so have been steadily working on the mania side of my bipolar. That hyperactive me that still has no name; I see her so rarely!

Bear with me, I have a ton of pictures to show, so I'm trying to fit them all into the blog. Its harder than it looks!

I'll describe the pictures from left to right, top to bottom, and pray that I have enough room in the blog to describe them all. Keep in mind that this has all been done earlier today as well. You'll see how busy I have been today!

The first pic is the binder itself, or rather the insert that sits in front of the binder. There are a ton of sayings written there that I found via Google. Not everything has the author's name attached, which is fine for me. I'm doing this for me, not for money.


The second picture will be the divider for my as-yet-unnamed mania personality. I still have a bunch of work to do on it, but I like how its pulling together so far.

Next up is my generic to-do list These are things that I do anyways, but having them on a list will "make me feel better the next time (I) hit a low," according to my therapist. Ok, no problem, I'm willing to give almost anything a try, and it allows my inner list-make freedom as well. Yays for me!

The next 4 are lists for my blogs. Don't expect to see any of these any time soon, I'm aiming to have all this show up a few months from now, that way I can (hopefully) get a good amount built up for the next time I hit a low. I want that buffer of a few months, that way it moves along as seamless as possible, in spite of my bipolar.

Then I have a list of songs to listen to when I get hyper that will help me to focus that positive energy into something productive. As you can see, I could only think of two songs so far. I guess I really do suck at naming music! LOL

The last two are lists of things I need to do for my daughter. I don't speak of her much here simply because I wish to keep her separate from my mental health issues. She has enough going on without my problems! LOL

I'm hoping that, once I have this set up for each of my moods, that I can better deal with all my varied mood swings. It sounds easy, but its not. I really do hate being bipolar, I hate allowing myself time to be depressed. What this book will eventually do is find a way for me to be productive even when I'm down low. Just at an easier pace than when I'm in a mania state.

What do you think? Would something like this help you? Well, continue following along and I'll share all my experiences with all of you!

The rest of my week was rather boring. I was caught in a low, dragging ass and wishing everyone would just leave me alone and simultaneously wishing someone would tell me that they knew how bad I felt and cuddle with me. I'll be honest here: I contemplated suicide at least twice during the past week. Yeah, I was badly down, and felt so horrid.


Looking back, I realize how stupid I was for letting those thoughts get to me like that, but that is who I am. Call me self-centered or a drama queen or whatever, I can't change it. I will always and forever have downs. I just need a support system that notices these moments who can guide me along through it. Not stop it, I can't stop being depressed; but guide me through that dark and tangled path of depression to the rubber band that sends me back out of the hole. Eventually I'll get it set, I hope.

That's enough for today! Leave me a comment below and I'll start answering any questions on Saturdays!

Love and Light,
Kat

Depression Sucks

Depression sucks, bipolar too.
If I could change the way I feel,
I wouldn't be so blue.
I wouldn't get so sad
or cry myself to sleep.
I'd be happy for what I have,
blessings to keep.

Mania can be nice,
if you're into chaos.
Everything is a mess
I'm completely at a loss.
Projects everywhere,
not one of them done.
Things in disrepair,
the list goes on and on.

I didn't ask to be this way.
This is not what I want.
I wish I was normal.
Normal I am not.
I can't just "Get over it."
Its not something I can turn off.
That's why when you say it
I do nothing but scoff.

Don't leave me alone,
I need you more than ever.
When I'm down and low,
all connections I try to sever.
But don't let it happen,
don't let me slip a way.
Keep talking, keep trying,
I do listen to what you say.

Your words, they echo,
in the stillness of the night.
The more kindness I get
perhaps those words just might
silence the memories
of all the violence and hate
and words spoken from the past
might finally dissipate.

Depression sucks, bipolar too.
If I could change the way I feel,
I wouldn't be so blue.
I wouldn't get so sad
or cry myself to sleep.
I'd be happy for what I have,
blessings to keep.

-K Perrin 4-29-15 8:47am

Negative Positivity

Positive think is preached over and over ad nauseam. Self-help books have been devoted solely to train people how to think positively, and have made fistfulls flying off the shelves. People don't like being depressed, so this positive thinking thing seems like it makes sense.

Wrong.

It took one session with my therapist to spark the thought that I may have been hurting myself more by using positive thinking than I already was to begin with.

Before I go further, I'm going to point out, again, that I have no formal education regarding this, nor do I have scientific results to spout off. I am simply me: a bipolar, possibly HFA, woman of 36 years on this rock we call Earth.

The reasoning is rather simple, though it may be difficult to put all my thoughts to words here. Let me try:

Every day I would wake up and tell myself, "Today is going to be a good day." I'd repeat it over and over like a litany, a chant, willing it to be true. No, I wouldn't necessarily have plans for the day, just that it was going to be good because I will it so.

Some days it would work. I'd be happy all day, productive and generally awesome.

However, may days I'd still be drinking my coffee an hour later wondering why I didn't feel more positive. The next hour I'd add, "I will accomplish something and be happy today." Two hours later I'd still be feeling like crap, wondering why it wasn't working. Instead of feeling better, I'd feel worse. Not because I was being negative, but because I wasn't accomplishing anything. Then the cascading spiral would fall into place.

I would start berating myself for not doing anything, for not being happy. I felt bad for being depressed for "no good reason at all." I blamed myself for not being positive enough. Its a viscous cycle.

I would forget that I AM bipolar. Sure, I'd tell people all the time, but I never really let it sink in that it is okay and normal to have bad days. Bad days happen, just as good days happen. No amount of positive thinking is going to change that.

I spent so much time and energy trying to be positive that I forgot that it is okay to be negative. "No" is acceptable. "Not today" is acceptable. It is acceptable and just fine to just be. Just breathe. Just have a bad day and not get a damned thing done. The world will not end if I have a bad day, and nothing is so important that having a bad day will ruin everything.

Screw the positive thinking. Sometimes I want to be negative. So now, when I wake up in the morning, I'll have a new first thought, "Today, I will just be." Positive or negative, I will just be. And that is just perfect for me.

~Kat