Sunday Recap 5-3-2015

So, I am going to TRY to do a recap each Sunday to let everyone know what I have been up to. Since this blog is focused mainly on mental health and my path through therapy, I will do my best to stick to those themes.

I've been working on an idea I was given by my therapist, a Coping Book. Whatever my mood or 'personality', there will be pages to go to to find things to help me cope. I'm in a better mood today, so have been steadily working on the mania side of my bipolar. That hyperactive me that still has no name; I see her so rarely!

Bear with me, I have a ton of pictures to show, so I'm trying to fit them all into the blog. Its harder than it looks!

I'll describe the pictures from left to right, top to bottom, and pray that I have enough room in the blog to describe them all. Keep in mind that this has all been done earlier today as well. You'll see how busy I have been today!

The first pic is the binder itself, or rather the insert that sits in front of the binder. There are a ton of sayings written there that I found via Google. Not everything has the author's name attached, which is fine for me. I'm doing this for me, not for money.


The second picture will be the divider for my as-yet-unnamed mania personality. I still have a bunch of work to do on it, but I like how its pulling together so far.

Next up is my generic to-do list These are things that I do anyways, but having them on a list will "make me feel better the next time (I) hit a low," according to my therapist. Ok, no problem, I'm willing to give almost anything a try, and it allows my inner list-make freedom as well. Yays for me!

The next 4 are lists for my blogs. Don't expect to see any of these any time soon, I'm aiming to have all this show up a few months from now, that way I can (hopefully) get a good amount built up for the next time I hit a low. I want that buffer of a few months, that way it moves along as seamless as possible, in spite of my bipolar.

Then I have a list of songs to listen to when I get hyper that will help me to focus that positive energy into something productive. As you can see, I could only think of two songs so far. I guess I really do suck at naming music! LOL

The last two are lists of things I need to do for my daughter. I don't speak of her much here simply because I wish to keep her separate from my mental health issues. She has enough going on without my problems! LOL

I'm hoping that, once I have this set up for each of my moods, that I can better deal with all my varied mood swings. It sounds easy, but its not. I really do hate being bipolar, I hate allowing myself time to be depressed. What this book will eventually do is find a way for me to be productive even when I'm down low. Just at an easier pace than when I'm in a mania state.

What do you think? Would something like this help you? Well, continue following along and I'll share all my experiences with all of you!

The rest of my week was rather boring. I was caught in a low, dragging ass and wishing everyone would just leave me alone and simultaneously wishing someone would tell me that they knew how bad I felt and cuddle with me. I'll be honest here: I contemplated suicide at least twice during the past week. Yeah, I was badly down, and felt so horrid.


Looking back, I realize how stupid I was for letting those thoughts get to me like that, but that is who I am. Call me self-centered or a drama queen or whatever, I can't change it. I will always and forever have downs. I just need a support system that notices these moments who can guide me along through it. Not stop it, I can't stop being depressed; but guide me through that dark and tangled path of depression to the rubber band that sends me back out of the hole. Eventually I'll get it set, I hope.

That's enough for today! Leave me a comment below and I'll start answering any questions on Saturdays!

Love and Light,
Kat

I Can't

"I'm here if you need me."

"If you ever want to talk, let me know."

"Come to me whenever you need help."

I love you, but I can't. I already feel like I am a nuisance, I already feel like I'm a pain in the ass, I already feel the fool. I simply can't go to you, I wish I could make you see. Its fear, believe it is true. Fear keeps me from going to you. I'm scared to be ignored, and end up getting ignored because I'm scared to talk. Starting conversations is hard... Seriously almost impossible for me. It doesn't matter if it is online, over the phone, or in person. Starting the conversation is near impossible.

Add depression to the anxiety, and I have my fatal mix. I can't go to you. I just can't. So instead of telling me to go to you, can you come to me now and then? Please?

I Don't Blame You

Seriously, I don't. I understand. I'm a drama queen. I know. I'm an attention whore. I know. So I get it. I understand. And I'm not mad at you. Its completely understandable, with everything that has been said.

Its only depression. I know, I need to get over it. That's why you ignore me. You turn your back because you're so sick and tired of hearing about it. And I know, I don't stop talking about it. I'm only seeking attention, wanting everyone talking about me. I get it.

Its only anxiety. Everyone has it, and no one else is complaining about it. Everyone else gets up and goes to work. I know, I'm an attention whore since I don't leave my house alone. I understand you ignoring my pleas for help. Its annoying, and pathetic. I get it.

Please understand, I don't blame you. I do understand that you're sick and tired of me. You're tired of my attention seeking ways, my way of bringing everyone down. I know, your problems are so much worse. I get it.

I'm lazy. I'm pathetic. I'm faking it. I need to get over it. Its in the past, it needs to stay there.

Except, what you don't realize, is I understand that I have brought it all on myself. It was my choices.  I never should have walked into my mothers bedroom to see the kittens. I should have known that my stepfather was in the bathroom with the door open. I should have known, at 4, to knock first. I deserved the "punishment" he gave me. I deserved to learn what women were for at that age. Its important to know that from birth.

I never should have spent Labor Day weekend at Valerie and Veronica's house. I never should have walked away with Carl and Veronica. I never should have come back and threw what happened in those woods right in Lenny's face. I deserved what happened. I deserved being kept in that room the entire time with those 3 guys. I deserved being forced to do what I did. I should have fought more, because we all know the "no" really means yes when you are 14 and they are over 21.

I never should have worn those shorts to the beach with Jennifer, her boyfriend, and his friend. I never should have walked alone down the beach with that friend. I never should have. I should have fought more, I should have let him cut my throat. I deserved it.

I never should have worn jeans and a t-shirt to bed when I stayed the night at Jennifer's place a few months later. I should have known that her boyfriend's friend wanted "relief". Shame on me for being 15 and teasing his 20 year old hormones, by sleeping. I deserved what I got, I should have fought more. I should have let that knife cut me.

I deserved all the other times, because yes, they were more, that I was attacked. I should have fought. I should have allowed them to hurt me. I should have died rather than allow them to do what happened. It was my fault. It was these choices that have created the past I have. And these choices have led me to where I am today. I don't deserve to be depressed, to have anxiety, or to have flashbacks. I should suck it up and move on.

So please, I want to make sure you get this: I don't blame you for ignoring me when I'm depressed. I'm not mad at any of you for turning your back on me. I understand that I am at fault here. I understand that you simply can't deal with my crap anymore.

But please forgive me when my thoughts finally have their way and everything ends for me because no one was there to help me.

Depression Sucks

Depression sucks, bipolar too.
If I could change the way I feel,
I wouldn't be so blue.
I wouldn't get so sad
or cry myself to sleep.
I'd be happy for what I have,
blessings to keep.

Mania can be nice,
if you're into chaos.
Everything is a mess
I'm completely at a loss.
Projects everywhere,
not one of them done.
Things in disrepair,
the list goes on and on.

I didn't ask to be this way.
This is not what I want.
I wish I was normal.
Normal I am not.
I can't just "Get over it."
Its not something I can turn off.
That's why when you say it
I do nothing but scoff.

Don't leave me alone,
I need you more than ever.
When I'm down and low,
all connections I try to sever.
But don't let it happen,
don't let me slip a way.
Keep talking, keep trying,
I do listen to what you say.

Your words, they echo,
in the stillness of the night.
The more kindness I get
perhaps those words just might
silence the memories
of all the violence and hate
and words spoken from the past
might finally dissipate.

Depression sucks, bipolar too.
If I could change the way I feel,
I wouldn't be so blue.
I wouldn't get so sad
or cry myself to sleep.
I'd be happy for what I have,
blessings to keep.

-K Perrin 4-29-15 8:47am

Thunder

There is just something about the slow roll of thunder through the skies that energizes ad excites me. Not the quick claps and the violent drums, but the gradual thrums that slowly gain in volume, then slowly decrease. The purr or growl, if you will, from the lords and ladies of the sky.

We have storms coming today, which essentially means I'm not going to be online for long. Not a big deal, I have plenty of projects to work on. But the call of thunder beckons me, begs me to listen. Listen I shall, while writing in my journal by the light of the occasional flash of cloud to cloud lightning.

With every purr from the sky comes those beautiful smells of rain. That first smell, the petrichor, speaks of new beginnings. The the damp soil as it begins to rain, the cleansing of the earth. Then the beautiful smell of the flowers and damp grass add in after the rain, the earth dries and sings to the sky gods, a thank you for the drink, the nourishment. The smells wrap around a person, and if that person allows it, transports them to new and magical realms.

If a person closes their eyes during a storm, and just relaxes, new mysteries evolve around them. New sounds, colors, and feelings begin to bloom. One could almost swear the trees are singing a choir of gratefulness.

Dear friends, hope that these storms are the gentle, inspirational kind for me. The weatherman says they COULD be bad. I'm not letting that get to me. I'm going to go sit and enjoy it while I can. Who knows what may come of it?

~Kat

Drained

Not only is this blog going to house my journaling assignments from therapy, but also the Occasional venting from time to time about things that hurt or things that cause great joys. Today, it is the former rather than the latter.

Many know I have been battling the State of Florida child support system for being incredibly unfair in their practices. The are already taking 50% of my pay, not to mention the $150 a month EXTRA that my son gets, but now the State of Oklahoma is adding fuel to the fire.

I had court today, and was hoping that since my ex has already received so damned much from me, that I would be able to get my license back. No such luck, it seems. Apparently over $10K wasn't enough to satisfy the judge. (That was over 25% of what I owed, for the record.) No, they want me to pay in three months child support. It doesn't matter that I get paid monthly from the US government who is taking out too much already, nor does it matter that the one payment already made was over 4 times what the State of Oklahoma wanted. It wasn't 3 consecutive months, so it doesn't count for shit.

*sighs*

I wish I knew who pissed in the judge's Wheaties today, I'd have a few choice words for them. All I wanted was my license back so I wasn't such a huge burden on my father. All these doctors appointments and errands are running him ragged, its stealing him from me and I don't like it. Me being run ragged? That's fine. I'd do it all if just to save him. I get a day of rest tomorrow, Dad doesn't.

I'm really not sure who needs it more though: me for all the anxieties I've been forced to hide and pretend through, or him for the toll all of this running around is taking on him.

I'm behind on blog posts for my main site, and I beg for everyone's forgiveness for that. Maybe tomorrow I can catch up. Today... My give a damn is busted and I have no clue where the repair man ran off to...

~Kat

Gah!

Gah! Why "Gah"? Because, just GAH!

Many people don't understand how I fight daily to make everything make sense to others. The way my mind works isn't normal. I know this already. So I'm going to do something I normally fight to keep from doing. I'm going to start typing about nothing at all, and just let my mind go free. Why? Because I want people to understand that I am NOT normal. I want someone, somewhere, to go "hey, she's not normal." I want to know why I'm not normal. I want to know why I work the way I dod. I want to know why I add in extra words when they dont need to be added in. i want to know why I sub add and subtract letters mid sentence med word. I want to know I come so fragmented so often. I want to know why my family lied and witheld information from me for so long. I want to know what is really wrog with me. In school, I would scream in frustration for what the teachers and students claimed was no reason at all. I had a reason. They were pissing me off and I felt so trapped and hopeless that the only way I could keep breathing was to scream bloody muder hooror flick screams.

I don't understand why it was so hard for me to read at first. I don't understand why, after I figured out the words meant pictures, I figured it out so quickly and read and understood so well. I was tested on the CAT test in school and had a college level understanding by 3rd grade. Almost all my scores were college level by 6th. I understood it all, but not because I knew it. I knew how to trick the test. I trick tests all the time. Those little quizzes on facebook are a joke, so easy to trick. And the test when i tried to get tanaf was almost as easy. But apparently I retained more highschool knowledge than a person my age normally would have. and I felt like apologizing for it! I am constantly ashamed to know what I know and how I know. I am ashamed of my body, I am ashamed of my mingd I am ashamed of me all around. I am a disgusting human being. I have been raped, beaten, blodied, and laughed at. And not once, and not just one person, but several times several people and it hurts as much today as it did then because I can still see it clearly. Every noght in my dreams in full color. I see it, I feel it, I hear it taste it smell it.

I hide behind fear. I keep to myself and hide behind all my fears. I don't say even an 8th of what I think. I think, all the time. It never stops, even when I sleep. I can't shower because i can't stand the sight of me without clothing. I stink because I can't wear deodorant because I have cysts under my arms and deodorant makes them worse. It is spring and getting hot and I stink beause I hate showering because I hate seeing myself because i am ugly and the doctor even said I was morbidly obese. that means horribly fat. disgustingly fat. so fat it is morbid. I am ugly, and I hear 50 people telling me constantly. Hear them, loud and clear. I hear dad yelling at me to clean the glass off the floor after I dropped the glass bottle of orange juice and froze because i was scared her was going to yell at me angain.


It keeps going, folks, but I've said too much already. Enjoy a few moments in my brain. Misspellings, bad grammar and punctuation and all. This is the real, uncensored me.

~Kat