Sunday Recap 5-3-2015

So, I am going to TRY to do a recap each Sunday to let everyone know what I have been up to. Since this blog is focused mainly on mental health and my path through therapy, I will do my best to stick to those themes.

I've been working on an idea I was given by my therapist, a Coping Book. Whatever my mood or 'personality', there will be pages to go to to find things to help me cope. I'm in a better mood today, so have been steadily working on the mania side of my bipolar. That hyperactive me that still has no name; I see her so rarely!

Bear with me, I have a ton of pictures to show, so I'm trying to fit them all into the blog. Its harder than it looks!

I'll describe the pictures from left to right, top to bottom, and pray that I have enough room in the blog to describe them all. Keep in mind that this has all been done earlier today as well. You'll see how busy I have been today!

The first pic is the binder itself, or rather the insert that sits in front of the binder. There are a ton of sayings written there that I found via Google. Not everything has the author's name attached, which is fine for me. I'm doing this for me, not for money.


The second picture will be the divider for my as-yet-unnamed mania personality. I still have a bunch of work to do on it, but I like how its pulling together so far.

Next up is my generic to-do list These are things that I do anyways, but having them on a list will "make me feel better the next time (I) hit a low," according to my therapist. Ok, no problem, I'm willing to give almost anything a try, and it allows my inner list-make freedom as well. Yays for me!

The next 4 are lists for my blogs. Don't expect to see any of these any time soon, I'm aiming to have all this show up a few months from now, that way I can (hopefully) get a good amount built up for the next time I hit a low. I want that buffer of a few months, that way it moves along as seamless as possible, in spite of my bipolar.

Then I have a list of songs to listen to when I get hyper that will help me to focus that positive energy into something productive. As you can see, I could only think of two songs so far. I guess I really do suck at naming music! LOL

The last two are lists of things I need to do for my daughter. I don't speak of her much here simply because I wish to keep her separate from my mental health issues. She has enough going on without my problems! LOL

I'm hoping that, once I have this set up for each of my moods, that I can better deal with all my varied mood swings. It sounds easy, but its not. I really do hate being bipolar, I hate allowing myself time to be depressed. What this book will eventually do is find a way for me to be productive even when I'm down low. Just at an easier pace than when I'm in a mania state.

What do you think? Would something like this help you? Well, continue following along and I'll share all my experiences with all of you!

The rest of my week was rather boring. I was caught in a low, dragging ass and wishing everyone would just leave me alone and simultaneously wishing someone would tell me that they knew how bad I felt and cuddle with me. I'll be honest here: I contemplated suicide at least twice during the past week. Yeah, I was badly down, and felt so horrid.


Looking back, I realize how stupid I was for letting those thoughts get to me like that, but that is who I am. Call me self-centered or a drama queen or whatever, I can't change it. I will always and forever have downs. I just need a support system that notices these moments who can guide me along through it. Not stop it, I can't stop being depressed; but guide me through that dark and tangled path of depression to the rubber band that sends me back out of the hole. Eventually I'll get it set, I hope.

That's enough for today! Leave me a comment below and I'll start answering any questions on Saturdays!

Love and Light,
Kat

Depression Sucks

Depression sucks, bipolar too.
If I could change the way I feel,
I wouldn't be so blue.
I wouldn't get so sad
or cry myself to sleep.
I'd be happy for what I have,
blessings to keep.

Mania can be nice,
if you're into chaos.
Everything is a mess
I'm completely at a loss.
Projects everywhere,
not one of them done.
Things in disrepair,
the list goes on and on.

I didn't ask to be this way.
This is not what I want.
I wish I was normal.
Normal I am not.
I can't just "Get over it."
Its not something I can turn off.
That's why when you say it
I do nothing but scoff.

Don't leave me alone,
I need you more than ever.
When I'm down and low,
all connections I try to sever.
But don't let it happen,
don't let me slip a way.
Keep talking, keep trying,
I do listen to what you say.

Your words, they echo,
in the stillness of the night.
The more kindness I get
perhaps those words just might
silence the memories
of all the violence and hate
and words spoken from the past
might finally dissipate.

Depression sucks, bipolar too.
If I could change the way I feel,
I wouldn't be so blue.
I wouldn't get so sad
or cry myself to sleep.
I'd be happy for what I have,
blessings to keep.

-K Perrin 4-29-15 8:47am

Journaling Assignment #7

The thing I wish other people would get about me is...

Actually, there a few things, and this list may easily change later on down the road. But today, I have a few. I'm not lazy, for one. What people perceive as laziness is actually depression, anxiety, and pain.

I don't want to be like this, but I am and likely will always be this way. Medication may or may not help, but it sure as hells won't cure me.

Just because I smile or laugh does not mean I am happy. I laugh when I am scared, hurt, sad, or angry too. The emotions get so strong that the only way I can cope is to laugh.

The letters "LOL" don't mean I am laughing, either. I sometimes use LOL to denote a joke or just to say something when I have nothing to say.

I have never learned how to properly converse with others, so my attempts at humor often fall short.

I hate hate. It is too absolute and completely illogical. Hate's only purpose is to be negative and push progress backward. Humans are meant to go forward, not backward.

I am lonely. I don't just crave closeness, I need it in order to survive. I am dying inside every day I don't have that closeness I crave.

Journaling Assignment #6

My family would describe me as...

• lazy
• bitch
• naive
• stubborn

Negative Positivity

Positive think is preached over and over ad nauseam. Self-help books have been devoted solely to train people how to think positively, and have made fistfulls flying off the shelves. People don't like being depressed, so this positive thinking thing seems like it makes sense.

Wrong.

It took one session with my therapist to spark the thought that I may have been hurting myself more by using positive thinking than I already was to begin with.

Before I go further, I'm going to point out, again, that I have no formal education regarding this, nor do I have scientific results to spout off. I am simply me: a bipolar, possibly HFA, woman of 36 years on this rock we call Earth.

The reasoning is rather simple, though it may be difficult to put all my thoughts to words here. Let me try:

Every day I would wake up and tell myself, "Today is going to be a good day." I'd repeat it over and over like a litany, a chant, willing it to be true. No, I wouldn't necessarily have plans for the day, just that it was going to be good because I will it so.

Some days it would work. I'd be happy all day, productive and generally awesome.

However, may days I'd still be drinking my coffee an hour later wondering why I didn't feel more positive. The next hour I'd add, "I will accomplish something and be happy today." Two hours later I'd still be feeling like crap, wondering why it wasn't working. Instead of feeling better, I'd feel worse. Not because I was being negative, but because I wasn't accomplishing anything. Then the cascading spiral would fall into place.

I would start berating myself for not doing anything, for not being happy. I felt bad for being depressed for "no good reason at all." I blamed myself for not being positive enough. Its a viscous cycle.

I would forget that I AM bipolar. Sure, I'd tell people all the time, but I never really let it sink in that it is okay and normal to have bad days. Bad days happen, just as good days happen. No amount of positive thinking is going to change that.

I spent so much time and energy trying to be positive that I forgot that it is okay to be negative. "No" is acceptable. "Not today" is acceptable. It is acceptable and just fine to just be. Just breathe. Just have a bad day and not get a damned thing done. The world will not end if I have a bad day, and nothing is so important that having a bad day will ruin everything.

Screw the positive thinking. Sometimes I want to be negative. So now, when I wake up in the morning, I'll have a new first thought, "Today, I will just be." Positive or negative, I will just be. And that is just perfect for me.

~Kat

WSM 1

WSM stands for Wellness Self Management, the name of a workbook I am doing alongside my art therapy. Now, because of today's "lesson", I am sharing my progress through this work book with all of you. You get to hold me accountable, and my support team/group gets to hear any of the hard stuff that really isn't suitable for this blog.

So... Lesson 1. (3 weeks ago)

We covered the purpose of the workbook: to help me recover from the depression, anxiety, PTSD, and assorted other BS that is going on in my head. No, there's nothing wrong with being bipolar, but there is something wrong when I'm too messed up mentally (and physically) to hold any kind of stable employment. This workbook is supposed to help me learn how to cope with day to day stresses, as well as how to lean on support when it is needed. In total, there are 8 goals to the program.

1. learning about recovery 
2. making the best use of mental and physical health services
3. learning how those services can help me achieve my goals
4. staying well by decreasing symptoms
5. learning how to manage stresses and prevent relapses (that long deep spiral, as I call it)
6. learn how to connect with others (ewwww, I wanna be a loner!)
7. learn how to live healthier (win the lotto?)
8. recognizing and building on my cultural values and experiences 

I was told to choose which of those were most important to me. (Well how the fuck am I supposed to know? This is the first frikkin lesson!) I chose #'s 4,5, and 8. I was then promptly told that keeping my med clinic appointment would help with #4, #5 is helped with blogging (go figure), and taking nature walks MORE OFTEN helps with #8. (Kinda hard to go for walks when there are so few people HERE that I trust...)

At the end of every lesson there is a discussion point. Lesson 1's discussion;

How would accomplishing any of these goals make a difference in your life?

A difference? How the hell am I to know at this point? *shrugs* I guess maybe it'll make me better able to fake being normal. After all, that is the goal of all therapy, right? To learn how to blend in and fit the mold of what is and isn't acceptable? *shrugs* We'll see.

I do have high hopes for this. I hate being the way I am...

So, talk to me. If you are following along with this program too (and I encourage it if you aren't able to do therapy, but I encourage a professional to help you above all), which goals would you choose? Why? If not, then what goals do you think I should be paying more attention to? Why? Talk to me below...

Journaling for Therapy #5

Write a list of at least 20 things that make you happy or feel good.

1. Sir Munch-a-Lot (my son)
2. Princess Kitten (my daughter)
3. music
4. rolling thunder
5. writig
6. crafting
7. singing
8. acting
9. animal loves
10. giving gifts
11. the ocean at night, alone
12. lakes in the morning, alone
13. waterfalls, alone
14. snowfall in the afternoon, alone
15. solitude in nature
16. Disney shows at Disney parks
17. cuddles
18. foreplay (not intercourse)
19. fishing, alone
20. quiet at campfire
21. dancing in the soft summer rain
22. solitude among the soft fall of dogwood blossoms in a light spring breeze
23. 4th of July fireworks
24. Thunderbirds flying above
25. riding a motorcycle down a scenic road
26. swimming/floating alone
27. blanket forts
28. chocolate fountains

Journaling for Therapy #4

What would you do if someone gave you $1million?

$100thousand would go towards my son. First I'd pay off my child support, then deposit the rest to pay out to his father between now and my son's 18th birthday. Another $100thousand would be deposited in a trust fund to pay out a little at a time until he is 30.

$200thousand goes to my daughter. It would be set to pay out a little at a time so that she gets a total of $100thousand by her 18th birthday and the rest until she's 30.

$100thousand would serve to put a 80% down payment on my dream house. A matching amount would be deposited to pay the small mortgage as well as taxes and insurance.

$50thousand goes to Daddy to do as he pleases. $10thousand goes to my sister, and another $10thousand goes to my brother. $1thousand each goes to Mary B, Chrystal R, Sam S, Amy K, Teri McG, Christine McC, Danielle M, Scott G, Teresa G, Alex McG, Jason McG, Chrissy B, Blayke, Langxtin, Eric K, Haley K, Megan K, Dylan K, Jason I, and Darryl C. Another $10 goes towards moving expenses and new furniture for me, Daddy, and Kitten.

That leaves me with $300thousand. After getting teeth (and possibly plastic surgery), the rest would be spent gradually; buying clothing, house items, and 'toys'. Food is easily bought when needed. But, a vacation would also be called for; or a few. Two weeks in Florida to start, most of it spent n DisneyWorld. My daughter needs to meet the princesses and pixies.

Thunder

There is just something about the slow roll of thunder through the skies that energizes ad excites me. Not the quick claps and the violent drums, but the gradual thrums that slowly gain in volume, then slowly decrease. The purr or growl, if you will, from the lords and ladies of the sky.

We have storms coming today, which essentially means I'm not going to be online for long. Not a big deal, I have plenty of projects to work on. But the call of thunder beckons me, begs me to listen. Listen I shall, while writing in my journal by the light of the occasional flash of cloud to cloud lightning.

With every purr from the sky comes those beautiful smells of rain. That first smell, the petrichor, speaks of new beginnings. The the damp soil as it begins to rain, the cleansing of the earth. Then the beautiful smell of the flowers and damp grass add in after the rain, the earth dries and sings to the sky gods, a thank you for the drink, the nourishment. The smells wrap around a person, and if that person allows it, transports them to new and magical realms.

If a person closes their eyes during a storm, and just relaxes, new mysteries evolve around them. New sounds, colors, and feelings begin to bloom. One could almost swear the trees are singing a choir of gratefulness.

Dear friends, hope that these storms are the gentle, inspirational kind for me. The weatherman says they COULD be bad. I'm not letting that get to me. I'm going to go sit and enjoy it while I can. Who knows what may come of it?

~Kat